huh...well. I'm looking at this before and after pic of some girl in a weight loss advertisement...and I'm thinking Ano-rex-ic!

Anyway, blah I feel so blah today. Work was too much...running...around....x___x

There is a lot of contraversy going on in the KPOP media right now...DaYUM! It's up the wazul sorry

anyway, I have to work on me. ME! I need something that reminds me why I'm doing anything! I'll write ch. 2 now. This post has no direction, really. I think it's my brain trying to make sense of what I feel, but it's failing me right now...oh and this was a conversation btwn me and a co-worker

Co-worker : "I'm craving musturd, idk why i hate muster! But i'm craving it with everything!"
me: o__O okay...maybe you're preg-
co-worker: shut up! if you say I'm pregnate i'll hurt you! I'm sorry, I wouldn't but just don't say it!
me: O_____________O okay, i wont. *cough*


.......i think she's nutz anyway.

Hahahahaha I'm so laughing at the irony that is my life. I said I want to go into the city, except I didn't specify. I'm working in the city now, in a building that over looks the whole damn city in the 46th floor. Wow right? No. It sucks, because even if I'm in the city, I'm not in the city. I'm not enjoying it. Well, isn't that funny? =-=. I think I give up.

I just don't see what I was fighting for anymore. And I can't sleep until I curse and insult myself. I'm no good, no good. I can't do anything anybody asks me to. There is a specific thought that runs through my head, but I can't let the the thought finish. It makes me want to scream out, "I'm not done yet! This can't be it!".

I don't know anymore.

And my fanfic list grew. one day when I finally, fully, realize that I mean nothing even to myself; i'm going to finish them all. Fanfics are the only thing that make me feel useful, but I even neglect that.

Where did it all go so horribly wrong?

It's about time I put myself before anybody else. I'll need a lot of time to do so, because I'm used to putting my needs aside for "friends". But I don't want to be that person anymore. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE USED ME FOR A DOCTOR SESSION AND THEN ONCE YOU'RE HEELED YOU GO AND FUCK YOUR SELF UP AGAIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO I DON'T LIKE, AND THEN YOU JUST COME BACK TO BE MEND. I'M SICK OF IT! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FIX YOUR SELF, SHIT! AND QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! NONE OF YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING OF WHAT I TOLD YOU. YOU ONLY LIKE TO LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS! AND TO THINK THAT I GAVE UP SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!! SEPTEMBER FOR YOU!!!! AND I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TELL ME TOO, BUT I THOUGHT I WASN'T READY, AND HELL I'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOU...BUT I WAS STUPID, AND FOR THAT I BEAT MY SELF UP! IT'S LIKE I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR CARING SO DAMN MUCH, AND I'M BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. OMFG FUCK YOU ALL!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE FOR ANY OF YOU ANYMORE! YOU'RE SUCH FILTHY LIARS!! I FEEL LIKE KILLING MY FEELINGS AND BECOMING ROBOTIC, CUZ I DON'T THINK ANYBODY WOULD NOTICE ANYWAY. YOU'LL JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT SHIT I HATE, SHIT I SHOULD'NT BE LISTENING TO, AND YOUR PROBLEMS AND WON'T NOTICE I'M ONLY NODDING, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION. but knowing myself, I'll give advice anyway. UGHHHHH I HATE MYSELF. I hate myself for not standing up to it. for not standing up to myself! I NEED TO GET OUT. I need to fill my life with work and work, so that I could just stop thinking for once. It's kind of funny when i was told i needed to stop being selfish to myself. I believed that my "friends" actually cared. It's funny to me now because, that's how the friendship is based. On my selfishness. Because there can't be another way this friendship could survive. But fuck it right? Fuck it.
I'll think twice before I call anybody else a friend.

"fuck 'em."

Oh man, this year has not been a good one. Too much has happened in this month alone! Argggg! I'm so sleepy, even though it's almost twelve in the afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I wake up early all the time, but I guess walking out the parking lot building really hit me like a ton of rocks. Well, I have to get a job, and practically I have one set. I just have to go to orientation. Fun =_=.

I really want to bake right now. I want to make Peanut Butter Whoopie Pies, and Chocolate Chip Cookies. But I don't have enough flour. Ugh....okay. Uhm, I'm not even sure why I'm writing a journal, when clearly I can't state my problems online. But I guess it's time for a new journal, eh? Idk, whatever. You know what makes me happy? ...this makes me happy!

Kotoba Yori Taitsetu Na Mono by Arashi





Ohno is so fucking adorable!! <33333

I've ten bruises on my legs...I'm so clumsy -___- and I made one worse just now because i bumped it on the couch, and it hurt like hell. Uhm, I'm kinda starting to move onwards with college. I'm getting my financial thing going, slowly but surely and it's all kinda making sense to me >__< . I'm also writing a fic, and I'm ACTUALLY not getting writer's block yet! So it's good, ne! Hmm, When I finish this part, I have to find a good to title to post it. I'm really good at giving things really good titles, but I'm blank for this *slaps head*
I wanna go into the city so bad!! I'm so bored over here!! Booooooooooo moooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, P.S. The song i'm listening to makes me really sad because of what you said V__V uuuuhhhhhhhhhh it makes my stomach hurt and things flood back to me like fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I lost one of my completed fanfiction for KangTeuk that I had written the summer before my senior year. It sucks that I lost it, and I could be really pissed about it especially since it was a multi-chapter story, but I won't get worked up about it too much. If turns up, then THAT'S FUCKING GREAT! if it doesn't then that really sucks =____=

Anyway, I'm gonna try to rewrite it, and to rewrite it even better then the original. Only, I have to remember the precious moments I had in the story *scratches head*
Besides, I did want to rewrite before posting it. Besides that, I have a list of fics i want to get started, for these pairings under the cut :D


( Pairings and stories to work on )

I think I have a fever, and I feel so week. Like I can barely walk, my bones feel so odd. I have energy, but then I feel like i'm going to collapse. And my stomach hurts too ) = 

I'm so cold too, and I'm shaking. I think I'm going to retire early tonight. I don't feel too good...ugh, I hope it's not serious cuz I'm leaving in a few days...I don't want to miss the trip.

x___x itai!

I like the way NyQuil feels an hour after I take it. I get really sleepy and relaxed...almost. Except when I'm on the couch and I stumble to my bed. But then I'm out. Completely out. No more thinking. No more tossing. No more stupid thoughts. Just black and quietness. I like that.

No, I'm not abusing NyQuil, I just got over a bad cold so I'm just thinking back on experiences. So now I'm back on Stupid thoughts, tossing, thinking, and NOT sleeping peacefully.

"The most important words I'll ever say to you, Will be the words you hear when I'm not around.....Listen close, say goodbye."

I like those words....

I keep thinking about a book by the name of "It's Kind of A Funny Story" If you have not read it, you should. By the Author Ned Vizzini. This book made me realize other people like using the restroom to pee. LOL I know that sounds crazy but, it's like an escape almost. Idk, I always thought I was the only one that felt like that until I read the book. It's nothing gross, it's just that so many people expect too much from me, so I should hope no one follows me into the restroom, so I get away from all of that...makes scense? No, okay. Well anyway, if you haven't read the book...you should!

Anyway, I'm going to bed now.

Well, here is what's new! I'll list them, because I can and want.

0. Lame attempts to get my I.D.! First Attempt, I get to the the black ropes, and then my dad is all like, "It's too crowded let's get out of here!" Second attempt, THE PLACE IS CLOSED!! Third attempt, I'm a few people behind the black ropes...I don't have an I.D.!!!! OMG!! That's what I'm there for, to get my I.D. but I need another I.D. to get this I.D.!??!?! RETARDED!!!!!!!!

1. Finally got my I.D. after the fourth day!! It's all good though, because I was taught a very valuble lesson as hard as it is to understand.

2. Went to see a show with my friend Michelle in it as one of the leads! Yay for Michelley! I hope she's okay. hmmmm...

3. Some people found out I'm pervy...but not the "good kind" of pervy lol (according to her). But, I likes mah gaey men all up on each other! >__<

4. Got sick, and I'm just now recovering. I caught the common cold, and I think it was someone who coughed or sneezed or did both on me while I was standing at the DMV place.

5. My dog got hit by a car...he's fine, he didn't actually get ran over by it, but he got hit. So his walk is wonky. Apparently it happened while I was asleap this morning. My dad woke me up so I could take care of him, while he was out. Weird thing was, that I was dreaming of dogs...and my dog just before my dad woke me.

6. Now. I'm just recapping what happened. Thinking back, I'm glad i've been through all of this already... I need to go to another show, to support more friends! Oh right, I need to call about that...see ya soon. =l

I need inspiration to write!!!!!!!! I want to write, but I don't have that mindset. I can't explain )= I had inspiration, but I lost it when I got sidetrackted! It sux ass when that happens. Oh, the thing I want to write is a fanfic for Okura/Yasu/Subaru or Yoosu!

Anyway...mmmm....this will be a short post if I have nothing else to say...I hate making posts when I feel like my brain has been replaced by mush! But I had to post, because there is nothing else to do. Oh yeah, Sobri by Leslie and Amine is a good song. hahaha random I knoes but I'm listening to it now, and it's really good.

in case I don't get a chance to tell all of you...

( Have a safe one too! =D )

Well, Yet again...I go out another weekend little buddies! YAY! I went to a haunted house that was pretty scary! And then went to my friend's friend's house...er, makes sense?

My friends were freaking loud while we were in line to buy tickets to the Haunted House...and kept talking to this random man, and trying to get his shirt. Well, my friend also flirted with him...and then he said, "He gets a free ticket." We were like...WTF?...he was the OWNER of the Haunted House(!!!) LOL

When we got to my friend's, friend's house; we watched Rocky Horror Picture Show! That was the first time I watched that! It's a ridiculously, crazy, Oh-So-AWESOME movie! I love the song "Science Fiction Double Feature", it's so cute!

Anyway, That was my weekend. I should write a DBSK fanfic, I've been wanting too because I haven't written one yet. Hmmm....Maybe I'll start it now?

THANK YOU AT&T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LUV YOU AND I OWE MY LIFE-wahahahaha don't go crazy now. But you are luved! So, Ike was a lot worse than I thought, and I (idiot) underestimated mother nature! ERGG LADY VENGEANCE!!!!!!!!


( more of my crazy ass here~ )
my BABU'S BIRTYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry Subaru, I couldn't do this earlier due to no power.

THIS ----------

-TO THIS!!                                                                                               


AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT------------------------------------------------


THEIR NATION WIDE ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

So I guess the fortune teller is right. Should have seen just what was there, and not some holy light...MY inspiration has run dry...there are just too many things that I can't do I'm torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real...Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor. You're a little late, Im already torn Torn -Natalie Imbruglia

It's a really old song...but the meanings are so true to me now. When I was a kid I just sung the words not knowing what they meant!
also this song (another really old song):

I'm only pretty sure, that I can't take anymore before you take a swing. I wonder, what are we fighting for? When I say aloud...I wanna get out of this. I wonder, is there anything I'm gonna miss? I wonder hows it going to be when you don't know me. Hows it going to be when you're sure I'm not there. Hows it going tobe when there's no one to talk to...between you and me, cause I don't care hows it going to be. Hows it going to be -Third Eye Blind

Well anyway, I took a shower just now and when I started to think about the songs I stood under the freaking cold water for about an hour. I had flash backs of my childhood and teenage years (though I just turned 18). This song is even more true to me right now because I'm leaving my family and friends = ( :

Well...you didn't wake up in the morning because you didn't go to bed, you were watching the whites of your eyes turn red. The calender on your wall is ticking the days off. You've been reading some old letters, and you smile thinking how much you've changed. All the money in the world couldn't bring back those days. This is the day -The The

I caught myself doing all of those things these past days. And the calender part is true, it's ticking away. I'm not sad, but not happy. I guess I get happy, but then what if it never rains in California? Maybe I'll learn that I just can't deal with it. But then, what if my life is great in California? I have to try it, and see. I'll never know if I don't go. Then I listen to this, and I feel like she's talking to me! :

Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone. Who really cares cause it's your life, you never know...it could be great. Take a chance cause you might grow. ...I can't wait to go back to do Japan...Osaka, Tokyo! You harajuku girls..damn you got some wicked style!! What you waiting for -Gwen Stefani

Wah, I can't wait to go to Japan! and yes, you harajuku girls have fucking wicked style!! So now i'm happy, and taking her words into considerations...and of course my familly words too. =D Random as hell, but my dog is shaking =/ ...oh well.

I've been pushing a project back for so long now, and I think I'm finally ready to do it! I've been wanting to write a story, but I never had the time. Now that I'm not going to school (yet), I have free (driving me insane free) time! Today was the first day of school for most students, and I'm tired of sitting around not doing anything.

So I shall start to write! Oh, also I have to walk Gizmo (dog). I've decided to walk him mornings when people are not awake yet...or in school. But anyway, he's really lazy so I have to force him to walk =___=;. Then he eventually does, and he pees and poops; and I'm happy he does it where the grass needs it...and not my tiled floors ^^; ha!

I'm such an idiot to attend school in Spring! I wish I hadn't done that! Now I have to wait a long ass time! I WISH I COULD GO TO SCHOOL!!!

ANYWAY, back to the book. Oh yeah-the story I want to write...it's a book! And then I want to make a movie from it. BUT, not released here in the U.S, in Japan. Why, you ask. Because the story takes place in Osaka (yay) and Tokyo (yay). I'm afraid to release too much details of it...in the internet ^^; but I can tell some of you the title for it. Yes! I have the title already! Maybe I'll make a banner, for boredom sake! Anyway, I want this book to have a Japanese Cinematography technique to it. HAHAHAHAHA, I talk as if I know what I'm saying XD  After all, yours truely <i>is</i> majoring in film. I wonder why I've pushed back the project this long?! Well, it's a good time to start.

Also, I have created a journal for all of my messy fanfics. Because, this journal is JUST TOO CLOGGED! I can't find my friends updates anymore, because of spammings! So, because I'm plain lazy to...I haven't put up my fics just yet. But I'll get to that.

Okay now...for my plain nonsence crap!!!

I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING STUCK IN A RUT!!!!!!!!!! OMFG, I HATE THIS! I HATE THAT I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE VACATION, IT FEELS LIKE I'LL BE DOING NOTHING FOR THE REST OF MY NO-GOOD LIFE!!!!!!!!! DDX wah, that feels nice.

Okay, I'm going to write now. Bye bye! Have a great fullfilment...day! ^__= <<what a messed up face lol.